![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on November 19, 2006, at 22:42:29
of drivel.
Desprately trying to sort stuff out.
One thing I wrote I have a question:
"It doesn't matter WHY i think I am disgusting. Or the huge level of intensity of self repulsion. It exists.
I think what matters is that maybe, who knows, maybe I WAS disgusting...but what matters is NOW. Now I must each day try and not be disgusting. I think the ongoing concern is that the old disgusting is SO repulsive, that it will leak thru, and show, and taint. The feeling is SO all consuming,UTTERLY overwhelming in its grossness, that its hard to make it go away."
So the question is-how does a person make it go away? How do you pack it away safely so it doesn't leak thru and taint the present? How do you quash the shame of it, when really (in my case) its completely illogical?
Is it there for life?
Is there a way to seal away the contents?
I don't even know what they ARE. I have only the feelings it makes me feel.
I feel like such an idiot to have these bad feelings inside for no reason. If there is no reason, why don't they go away? Why is my inside kid so sad? Why is she like a stinking pile of chicken sh*t?
I just don't understand, I don't know what to do.
I ahte it all SO much.
No child should feel like this. What is wrong with me?
Any ideas would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Muffled
Posted by ClearSkies on November 20, 2006, at 5:33:47
In reply to I been journalling tons**grossness trigger***, posted by muffled on November 19, 2006, at 22:42:29
> Is there a way to seal away the contents?
Muffled, it's awful to feel so badly about yourself. I do have some suggestions for making your journalling a safe thing to do.
You can destroy your writings after you've done them. Seal them in an envelope and shred them, or burn them safely, or toss them into the ocean, if you have one handy.
I do not read my journalling after it's been written.More work, but more satisfying for me, has been to write my bad thoughts and feelings on little pieces of paper. I tie them each on to a balloon, and release each balloon into the air, saying out loud that I am saying goodbye to them, one at a time. This is sooo cathartic - I feel purified by doing this. You can tangibly see the bad stuff leaving you.
I have also used rose petals, each petal representing a bad thing, and thrown onto the water to be carried away from me.
One more thing is to do a sage smudging after I have journalled, all over the whole house. You can buy the bundles of sage at some health food stores or where tools for facilitating meditation are sold. You light a bundle of sage, blow out the flames over a sink so the ashes don't set the house on fire, and then walk to the far reaches of the house, letting the smoke chase away the bad stuff my journalling releases. It's a technique that some First Nations people use (ceremonial in my intentions).
You can see that I have a lot of poisons and toxicity that I feel I have to pull out of myself. It hasn't been enough for me to wait for it to pass; I have to play an active role in putting these bad feelings outside of myself. It makes me feel like I have some say in improving myself.
(((((Muffled)))))
CS
Posted by TherapyGirl on November 20, 2006, at 7:34:45
In reply to I been journalling tons**grossness trigger***, posted by muffled on November 19, 2006, at 22:42:29
This is just my opinion (and Lord knows I'm no expert), but my guess is that "sealing away the contents" of your self-disgust is what you've been doing for years. Now it's time to take it out, examine it and know, in your heart of hearts, that you are not disgusting. Light of day is often the best thing for feelings like this.
I know it's hard and I wish I could do more to help.
(((((((((Muffled))))))))
Posted by muffled on November 20, 2006, at 9:46:03
In reply to Re: I been journalling tons**grossness trigger*** » muffled, posted by ClearSkies on November 20, 2006, at 5:33:47
CS, thanks for your reply.
It makes alot of sense.
Its very visual.
I am very visual.
It might well be useful indeed.
I gonna mention it to my T. I think she will like the idea.
I will print it out if you don't mind.
Thank you.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on November 20, 2006, at 9:51:08
In reply to Re: I been journalling tons**grossness trigger*** » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on November 20, 2006, at 7:34:45
Yeah, good point TG.
Just apparently I am incapable of bringing it into the light of day. I'm not used to the emotions. Now I have creashed. But mebbe thats good. Mebbe I need to 'hit bottom' as it were.
I dunno.
I just feel pretty sh*tty.
Thanks so much for replying.
Muffled
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 21, 2006, at 10:37:10
In reply to Re: I been journalling tons**grossness trigger*** » TherapyGirl, posted by muffled on November 20, 2006, at 9:51:08
Hi muffled,
I'm sorry that the thoughts of self-hatred are so powerful.Please try to recognize them for what they are- LIES. I don't know how or when they got into your head, but that's what you're working on in therapy. When they come up, try to label them as such-
Lie
Lie
Lie
Distortion
UntruthAnd once you've labelled them, then you can categorize them. Sure they make you "feel", but there is no substance behind them. When you probe deeper into your psyche, you will encounter all kinds of lies about who you "should" be, or what you "should" have done. In the light of day, though (or during therapy, journalling, or introspection) you can shine some light on these thoughts, recognize them for what they are, and do some work to send them on their way
(I love Clearskies suggestions, and I'll add another one. This is the month of Loy Kratong, an important Thai festival . To observe it, you make a little decorative float (or one for each of your inner children), light a candle on top and release it in a river, bay or pool of water. Thai floats are made from banana leaves, flowers and paper, and are absolutely beautiful, yet ephemeral. As you light the candle and release the float, you make a wish. You can watch as long as you wish- it's very calming. Its flame is said to signify longevity, fulfillment of wishes and release from sins. Thankfulness to the provider of water, and for the bounty of the harvest)
I have a few pretty floating candles that I'm going to put in the river.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Keep working through it, swim with the current of your feelings, when you feel strong enough.
-Li
Posted by muffled on November 23, 2006, at 17:14:17
In reply to Re: I been journalling tons**grossness trigger*** » muffled, posted by Lindenblüte on November 21, 2006, at 10:37:10
I love that loy kratong. Its sounds so cool.
A good idea for many.>Please try to recognize them for what they are- LIES. I don't know how or when they got into your head, but that's what you're working on in therapy. When they come up, try to label them as such-
Lie
Lie
Lie
Distortion
UntruthAnd once you've labelled them, then you can categorize them. Sure they make you "feel", but there is no substance behind them.
***Yeah, they make me feel but NO SUBSTANCE. I like that.
I dunno bout probing into my psyche. I seem to freak out everytime we try and do that.....its dangerous.
Last time I was out hitch hiking(I ALWAYS carry a knife), way wacked out on alot of xanax and some benedryl. I could have been killed or hurt someone myself. SH*T.
I dunno.
Anyhow, guess me and T are picking away at it.
Its hard when I have so few memories.
Dunno why she don't dump me I really don't....
Thanks for the festival thot. I really liked that.
Muffled
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.