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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on October 29, 2006, at 13:04:32
Last night, I had another nightmare about that agency. This one maybe taught me something, though. It's certainly left me with a lot of roiling emotions, but at least I can think they may lead to something better for me.
In the dream, I was back at the agency, and they'd given me another T for that day, at least. I didn't want another T, but they said I couldn't see the one I'd been seeing. (They told me this right then, so no warning in advance.) It was a man, and he started walking me to the room we'd use for the appointment. I asked to stop and use the ladies room, and he said OK. The ladies room wasn't the kind with stalls, just a room with a toilet and sink. I put down the paper cover, and sat down -- and the door opened! The T was coming in, with a bunch of other people who were scary looking -- Cuckoo's Nest type scary, homeless types, which some of that agency's patients looked like -- and said that there wasn't time for me to do this, I was making everything late, and we had to start the group therapy right then. I protested, but he said that I had to get over my sense of entitlement and cooperate. Needless to say, it was very hard for me to [what's a good euphemism? tinkle?], and I felt ashamed and upset. Then I had to stand up to pull up my pants, and again -- according to the T, it was only my sense of entitlement that made me feel upset that everyone was watching.
Then we were in the hallway, walking towards a room to use for the rest of the session. The other people were gone, it was only the two of us. Someone stopped him to talk, and he grabbed my upper arm, just at the top of my shoulder, to stop me. I said, "please don't touch me." He ignored it, as though he hadn't heard me at all. I said it again, and again. I said it again, pleading by now, but he was ignoring me, as though he hadn't heard me, but I got the sense that he was ignoring me on purpose, because I had to learn to cooperate, that i wasn't in control, etc. I collapsed, just slid down the wall next to me to the floor, crying, and went straight to that helpless place that we talk about in therapy. Just curled up on the floor in a tiny knot, crying uncontrollably, and feeling so helpless.
I still have a lot of emotions churned up about it all, but I do at least see two things: I really am entitled to privacy in the lavatory; and when I used my voice to ask for what I needed, I was ignored -- and that's what sent me into that helpless place. So, this morning I called my T -- which is always a very big deal for me -- and I left her a message, telling her about the dream, and saying that I was calling her to see if I could feel as though I was entitled to do that.
The answer to the last part, by the way, is no. I don't feel as though I was entitled to do that. But at least I know that she has told me it's OK, so this feeling about having done it is coming from me, from my own fears and dark places.
Which, of course, doesn't mean I don't think I'll get "in trouble" for having done it... And I have some fear that it's about trust, and I'm going to regret opening up more by doing it -- that I've taken a risky move, somehow.
I guess we'll have a lot of grist for the mill this week, huh?
Posted by sunnydays on October 29, 2006, at 14:05:16
In reply to I had a nightmare last night *touch trigger*, posted by Racer on October 29, 2006, at 13:04:32
You *are* entitled to call her Racer, and you won't get in trouble. That sounds like a really scary dream. Your insights about it are fantastic. I have been having some weird dreams too lately that have me wake up feeling disturbed and sad, but I can't remember them well enough to get to those insights.
It is scary, though, to call our Ts. I want to call mine just to here the voice on the voicemail and not leave a message, but I'm too scared to even do that. I think it's really great that you called. And you are sooooo entitled to call your T, and to have people listen to and respect your boundaries, whatever they are. If you don't want to be touched, people shouldn't touch you. And you are absolutely entitled to have people listen to you.
But I know how hard all this is to believe. I can see that to you and mean it with 100% of my heart, but then if I try to apply it to myself I find all these reasons it's not true for me.... :) Frustrating, these feelings!
sunnydays
Posted by Jost on November 1, 2006, at 19:53:09
In reply to I had a nightmare last night *touch trigger*, posted by Racer on October 29, 2006, at 13:04:32
Hi Racer.
The dream sounds pretty upsetting. Not only because you're so desperate at the end, but because of the sort of combination of invasiveness and neglect (or ignoring your needs, or you-- not hearing you-- possibly intentionally) that it portrays.
I think the thing that I feel when I read it is how abrupt and disruptive everything that happens is--
you walk into the agency, and they suddenly tell you you can't see your T, but have to see a strange T whom you don't want to see
the T comes and doesn't greet you but starts walking to the room
then you're in the bathroom and he just walks in ==clearly somewhere where by definition he's not entitled to be-- ie it's a ladies room, and he's a man-- so it's particularly disruptive and inappropriate for him to abruptly walk in
he's also accusatory-- and brings frightening people with him-- perhaps images of yourself or your fears-- or perhaps accusations-- ie you're not just keeping him waiting, you're keeping everyone waiting
then your walk to the room is interrupted by someone, and he abruptly starts to ignore you, although aggressively-- he won't let you be on your own-- he holds you down and commands your attention by constraining you-- like you have to be completely still or rigid-- you shouldn't even move, or look around--but be focussed only on him
so he won't let go, at the same time, he's ignoring you--although it's worse than that because he's consciously ignoring you, so he's actually paying attention to you and ignoring you at the same time-- making it impossible to find a stable position, or extricate yourself or communicate with hiim -- so it's a really bad mixed message
I feel as if he's strangling you, breaking through your ability to be by yourself (even in your own head), imposing his ruthlessness on you, so that you can't get what you need, you can't be together with him, but you can't leave, or move
I dont' know-- there's a quality of brutality in it, I think.it sounds like one of those dreams where there are the trappings of ordinary life, which somewhat disguises the really bad things that are happening-- you're deprived of your right to know or say, if you do know, that it's wrong -- But maybe that's my feeling
I haven't heard the word "agency" in a long time-- don't know if agency is an issue-- in the sense of volition-- or just that my parents worked at an agency-- so the word strikes me especially
Did your T call back? or respond in any way? Acknowledge your voice?
sorry you had the dream, or reasons to have the dream,
Jost
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