![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on July 11, 2004, at 18:29:07
Today started out bad enough, mood wise, but I sat down to try to get a good start on my second writing assignment from my new therapist. Some of it is pretty easy, but the bigger picture is just so overwhelming that even trying to think about it just hit me like a tidal wave, washing me away from my moorings. After writing about a page and a half -- and not really getting to any of the important things -- I just couldn't go on. I saved the thing and went and lay down on the sofa with the quilt over my head and a very grumpy cat who attacked me for disturbing him. (Yes, the cat thing always bothers me. I love him, and I know that he feels whatever cats feel that we describe as love for me. When he attacks me like that, it hurts emotionally, as well as physically.)
All my efforts to stay a step ahead have collapsed around me, and the pain I'm experiencing is surprising me -- the way that pain always does, no matter how familiar with it we may be. I'm not going to *do* anything just because I can't stand to live with this much pain -- although I may load myself up with xanax to try to sleep through this -- but if this is what my life is going to be, I sure don't want to keep fighting my way through it. (In other words: yes, I feel suicidal again. No, I'm not planning to act on that feeling.)
Mind you, the writing assignment is valuable for me. I do need to face these things, and I do need to be able to express them in words in order to address them effectively. I don't regret the assignment. Maybe it's timing, maybe it's just that I've been trying so hard for so long not to experience the pain of the situation, maybe it's just having fought the depression on my own for so long without proper or adequate support and assistance -- whatever it is, this pain is unbearable.
I'm sorry to dump all this here. But I'm very, very grateful to have a place where I can get help in carrying this load.
Posted by antigua on July 11, 2004, at 20:36:01
In reply to Second writing assignment tipped the balance, posted by Racer on July 11, 2004, at 18:29:07
Oh, Racer, I'm sorry that the pain hit you. I can't write anymore (in a journal) because it just hurts too much. The words have to be perfect and exact, and I'm not exact enough to do it anymore. I think of writing as a a written record, history, of my life and I don't think I like to see it on paper anymore.
Hang in there,
antigua
Posted by Dinah on July 11, 2004, at 21:06:25
In reply to Second writing assignment tipped the balance, posted by Racer on July 11, 2004, at 18:29:07
Posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:22:44
In reply to Re: Second writing assignment tipped the balance, posted by antigua on July 11, 2004, at 20:36:01
((((((Racer))))))
i am so sorry you are feeling so hurt. It's interesting what antigua said about writing in the journal. i haven't been writing much if at all these last couple weeks because things have been difficult, and sometimes we just can't handle dealing with things over and over as we do when we're writing them down.-and cat's are intruguing animals. they're so independant, yet when they're ready to give love-they just go out and get it no matter who's leg they have to rub right? maybe use that as some inspiration (seems silly i know) but when cats want something they push until they get it right? well, i think you should do the same. If you need to back off then do it, if you need your T to comfort you, ask for it. If you need hugs from us??? You GOT IT!
one for the road. (((((((((((((((Racer)))))))))))))))b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.