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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on April 7, 2008, at 13:12:37
Doesn't leave much room for esteem. I was able to articulate what I've been feeling lately, though, as Hatred, and it frightened me to name it so. Such a strong feeling, such a strong word, directed at my own self. Am I really worthy of this feeling?
Try to break it down - what is it about myself that is so deserving of this wrath? My physical self, my personal qualities. It's a description that I wouldn't think of directing towards another person, yet I didn't hesitate to name myself. No wonder that anyone's attempts to give me a compliment falls so very flat, given what it's up against. Hatred. And how do you combat this enemy, when it's the face in the mirror that you're hurling the abuse at?
Posted by ClearSkies on April 7, 2008, at 21:21:02
In reply to Face to face with self hatred, posted by ClearSkies on April 7, 2008, at 13:12:37
Gah, that post is pretty naked looking. The awful truth, laid bare. That one can hate oneself - it's the venomous snake that resides inside of me, that gets camouflaged as "my feet are ugly" or "I'm having a bad hair day" or "my thighs are too fat" - all prettifications of what lies beneath - that I really, truly do hate myself.
It was just a glimpse, a shocking one. It was very real, and I don't doubt for a moment that it was real and true, what I felt. A true loss of innocence, to see that horrible part of myself for what it is. I liked it better when I only disdained bits of my body; the feet, the thighs, the hair, the uneven coloration of my skin. I wonder now if it will recede back to that, but those quaint beliefs now certainly ring even more hollowly than ever before.
Posted by nfc on April 8, 2008, at 7:53:54
In reply to Groan, posted by ClearSkies on April 7, 2008, at 21:21:02
My guess is until u accept what it is that you dislike about yourself will you have less self-hate and more acceptance of yourself. sorry if this disagrees w/ how u feel. find other things to care about which may take away how u feel about yourself negatively. I had a lot of self-hate the months after being hospitalized and after realizing the seriousness of my behaviour when i was crazy. alot of regret and emotional, self esteem damage. i'm getting better but still have difficulties. hey perhaps just writing about it here will help u also. take care.
nfc
Posted by karen_kay on April 8, 2008, at 10:16:38
In reply to Face to face with self hatred, posted by ClearSkies on April 7, 2008, at 13:12:37
the impact you have on others dear. the wya you are able to reacho out to others and help them, especially when they depserately need it (and maybe you don't know it at the time, but you have a perfect sense of timing!!).
how could one feel such things about herself when others love her so veyr much? try to keep that in mind. i adore you dear. you've been nothing but beautiful, gracious, helpful, wonderful and oh so very insightful and uplifting to me.
be good to yourself. you deserve it. I say so!! and i'm always right!
love you dear,
kk
Posted by ClearSkies on April 8, 2008, at 16:34:30
In reply to Re: Groan » ClearSkies, posted by nfc on April 8, 2008, at 7:53:54
I did spend a lot of time talking to my therapist about it, because she seems to think that I got a peek behind the curtains there for a day, which is exactly what it felt like. I am going to take some time to examine some of those "prettifications" that I referred to, break those beliefs down, because I don't think many of those will hold up. I think my feet are ugly because they both have surgical scars on them - but, on the other hand, they don't give me enormous amounts of pain the way they would had I not had the surgery. So some of those beliefs won't stand up to a lot of scrutiny.
It did help me a lot to get some of this written down here.
It's an interesting process, this self discovery. thank goodness I have a guide of sorts.
Posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2008, at 23:06:32
In reply to It turned out to be just a brief glimpse, posted by ClearSkies on April 8, 2008, at 16:34:30
Clear Skies you posted pics of you remember and you're a very lovely woman. Wanna see scars? I'll have Greg take pics of my tummy tuck and post them but I get blocked for exposing myself. Looking back I liked the old me even though I was heavier. It's what's inside that counts and you know you are one lovely person. Hope that helps a tiny bit. Love Phillipa
Posted by ClearSkies on April 9, 2008, at 7:11:39
In reply to Re: It turned out to be just a brief glimpse » ClearSkies, posted by Phillipa on April 8, 2008, at 23:06:32
That's very sweet of you, thanks Phillipa.
Posted by Sigismund on April 9, 2008, at 15:20:44
In reply to Groan, posted by ClearSkies on April 7, 2008, at 21:21:02
>Try to break it down - what is it about myself that is so deserving of this wrath? My physical self, my personal qualities.
How are we to understand the energy that we put into hating the (from one point of view) unremarkable physical and personal qualities we have?
Because we understand ourselves so well?
Or because we don't at all?
We live in a world where things are valued more than people, and this lesson some of us learn early?
As a culture we have a LOT of difficulty with integrating negativity?
Images from a popular culture that finances itself on the promotion of envy?
Beats me.
Posted by Sigismund on April 9, 2008, at 18:08:51
In reply to Re: Groan, posted by Sigismund on April 9, 2008, at 15:20:44
The latest theory I cooked up while walking the dog is that we in the west oscillate unstably between self loathing and narcissism.
Perhaps this has something to do with the atomisation of our world?
The world is really not so impossibly complex....with the right kind of encouragement people of moderate sanity and goodwill should be able to get out of bed in the morning (and I dunno, build their own homes?) without feeling that it is too difficult.
But I see I've started talking about myself again.
Posted by ClearSkies on April 9, 2008, at 19:18:57
In reply to Re: Groan, posted by Sigismund on April 9, 2008, at 18:08:51
I don't see myself as vacillating between self loathing and narcissism - but I aspire to tolerate myself. That love thing I have to leave to others, I can't fathom it on the best days.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 14, 2008, at 14:40:15
In reply to Face to face with self hatred, posted by ClearSkies on April 7, 2008, at 13:12:37
wrath? my dearest CS, there is no need for wrath. You are beautiful inside and out and have helped me so much in the past couple of years...
You have come very far, and you are doing your best on your nonlinear journey.
find something beautiful today?
((((stickyhugs))))
-Ll
This is the end of the thread.
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