![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jost on October 26, 2006, at 22:19:19
The problem is, my T doesn't believe in me at all, unless I'm doing well.
the instant I'm not doing well, he seems to flip into this very censorious, doom-and-gloom laden voice, and scowl, and look away from me, and cut off whatever I say.
I also tend to cut him off when he does this, because when I'm upset (to use a word), I get very rapid-fire and hyper. My mind can be clearer than I sound-- although not always-- although I think if you looked and listened closely you could tell the difference-- although maybe it's asking too much to expect that level of awareness, of me, under pressure (or at all).
I can tell the difference markedly, when I'm upset and listening, and upset and not.
My T and my SigO can't tell any difference, or don't seem to-- and act as if I'm just as irrational and completely convinced that something horrible has happened (as opposed to something bad, but remediable, or something not as bad as I imagine)-- as I used to when I really couldn't see any possiblity of that, and would only try to convince anyone to accept my version of the meanings of things.
This particular expression and way of acting makes me even crazier-- or makes me feel more desperate-- because it's as if there's no recognition of the part of me that could make it better-- as if the other person insists on my being the worst, most out of control aspect of myself, rather than the better, more able to listen and adapt part.
When I try to talk about that-- tosay that I'm listening or that I can listen-- he just sees that as disingenuous-- I guess-- because he denies that I can, or will, or am--and insists that I'm being impossible.
Which makes me more impossible. I really think I'm going to go in start screaming at him tomorrow-- which will undoubtedly turn the really good things we've done recently into an emotional melee-- or I'll have to keep the scream inside-- and try to listen and be still, and wait in this tomb-like detachment until he realizes that I"m not saying anything and then decides it means I've come to my senses more. But I don't want to. It's incredibly hard, and I just wish to h*&l he could realize that-- and not start on that path with me.
He's always been this way-- and it's always pushed things to the worse-- although in different ways when I had a harder time-- and I"m so tired of having to go through so much to convince him and my SigO that I"m not crazy-- when I"m basically not, even if I am worked up and trying too hard to explain.
Even if I am sometimes unreachable , more often I'm not--
I'm dreading tomorrow. I really would rather not go. It's been a good week-- and it's not right, somehow. I feel, perhaps incorrectly, but I do feel, that a different response would evoke a very different and much better response in me.
Jost
Posted by Declan on October 26, 2006, at 23:23:43
In reply to Self-esteem taking turn for worse, posted by Jost on October 26, 2006, at 22:19:19
Geez, Jost, you're sweet reasonableness from where I sit....I mean that's your general tone, reasonable and thoughtful, not extreme, smart. I'm surprised your T is not accepting of those other parts of yourself. If they were accepted maybe your reasonableness would (for want of a better expression) proceed apace.
a very censorious, doom-and-gloom laden voice, and a scowl? Hmmm (makes me think of me). What can I say that's of any use?
Posted by Phillipa on October 27, 2006, at 22:13:56
In reply to Re: Self-esteem taking turn for worse » Jost, posted by Declan on October 26, 2006, at 23:23:43
Declan where is your self-esteem lately you're always putting your self down. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on October 27, 2006, at 22:18:22
In reply to Self-esteem taking turn for worse, posted by Jost on October 26, 2006, at 22:19:19
Jost maybe yelling at him or not saying anything is not the best approach. Has there been an approach you've used before that worked? Got his attention. Did he give you some homework and you didn't do it . Mine did and I didn't do it. Well I do it but don't write it down. Love Phillipa
Posted by Jost on October 27, 2006, at 22:21:54
In reply to Re: Self-esteem taking turn for worse » Jost, posted by Declan on October 26, 2006, at 23:23:43
Thanks, Declan. Maybe you and I would get on famously, then, because my T and I usually do.
Although we also have had some terrible battles. He say he gets madder at me than anyone else (I think in the world, but let's say of his patients anyway).
Guess there's the Dr. Jeckyl, Mr. Hyde quality to me--
but things went much better than I had any reason to expect. Makes me almost think I'm making "progress."
Heavens to mergatroid. Whatever that means.
Then of course I had a horrible afternoon of wrecking a pretty bad piece of work I was doing. Gagh. It's hard to live with such lack of ability to bring things off-- at all, ever.
Sometimes I do wonder why I'm not good at things. But I guess there's not much I can do except try to be better. Which never works, so far. So I'm bummed out again. You kind of think maybe you'll suddenly become capable, have some sort of sudden touch of magic. But you don't.
Maybe I have to get some sleep. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.
Thanks a lot, for your encouragement.
Jost
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Self-Esteem | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.